No One Loves

No one cares, but me, about me.
Besides God, and all those that love me.
I know the truth but my eyes can't focus.
I know the meaning of this world, and it is not good.
I also know the meaning of my soul, and it was good.
Know the meaning of life is good.
And that the fight against the darkness is the spark that brought you into this world.
So finish the race. 

God's purpose is not to create us in the image of ourselves we see in our own mind, but in the image of what he sees of us in his mind. So do not curse the hand of God when he cuts so deeply.

The day you see the sun

The power of an engaged mind should not be underestimated.

The determination of a soul accomplishes impossible things.

The result of prolonged purposeful focus is the breaking of stalemates held for centuries.

I turn the light of my mind to the source of life deep inside of me.

Deep inside were no other mind can see, and I focus my piercing gaze.

I shall stare until you move or my eyes burn through you.

I arise in me a spiritual expectation, I fill my mind with wonder.

I lock in my mind to the single thought until if feel a vibration in the reality only I can control.

Keep myself in the moment until I feel that tingle in my spine.

Till the uncontrollable expectant breath.

Till all the muscles in body tense then pulse in a burst of ethereal force.

Cause today is the day, the only day, the singular day of my existence; and I will not miss it.

I feel my God beside me, I feel the bumps rise as his breath runs across my skin.

My entire body at the ready, the sum - that is greater than the parts of me awakens.

Hold steady now as the lips of God draw nigh to your ear, hear the whisper of life.

Today is the day my son,

Today is the day, the day you are born,

Today is the day you see the sun.

Be careful what you ask God for

Destitute, alone, and dying,

In inconceivable amounts of pain,

My soul knocks on the great door with its final knock.

The same door I have sat by and knocked all the days of my life.

All religion and philosophies aside, I have wasted my life.

Yet I am a repository of all the grace I have been given.

My life used up buy my love has not,

It’s just that at this point I find no one to give it to.

And I feel a vast emptiness, because I never found the answers I sought for.

Even though I came to understand I would not find them on this side of death's cursed door.

What was the point to my existence here anyway?

My love exists in those I have loved as they also reach the wretched door.

And has not advanced them in the slightest to the answers they have searched for.

For I know they cannot be found,

But by the faith I lost and can no longer find,

Because I no longer find it as true.

There was simply not enough evidence to convince me,

Besides the unmet longing in my soul.

So this is the bitter end,

And there is nothing left to be said my friend,

But goodbye.

Life and the joy of youth will continue without me.

And the misfortune that has followed me will pass with me.

To my unmarked grave,

To my ashes spread in the wasteland I lived in.

To feed the roots, to grow the fruits, to be eaten by future hopeless souls.

To continue the grand deception that there is meaning to be found in this life.

But there is life yet to be lived in this body before its pointless end.

And I do not wish to take those days away from it.

And my eyes still find beauty in the fading flower.

So when I go, even alone, I cannot find fault in the energy that sustained me along the way,

And the hope that this life was but one of my eternal days.

Who is the one who forces me to write a last line of hope when all I searched for is despair?

Why do the stanzas that begin in emptiness find their end with some new thought to sustain them?

Other then that I have found the bedrock of my existence,

Even though I do not understand it.

And If I have that in the end I am not destitute.

If I have that in the end I cannot die alone.

It was my body, which that thought – my soul, found as home.

That thought alone.

A Man Walking

I see a man walking,
I see a man talking,
Talking on his phone.
I see a man,
A man alone.
I see him pick up his pace,
I see the look on his face,
I see a man walking, talking, alone.

Untitled

I don’t believe those who say they have true faith without any uncertainty
I don’t believe those who say they have no faith with no doubt.
I believe in the true believer in me,
That finds the truth through the uncertainly,
That uses doubt to find the faith in the innermost parts.

The Cat's Claw

I learned from my wife that when a cat tries to grab you with its claws the last thing you want to do is pull away. Pull away and the claws dig in to your skin, however, push inward far enough towards the cat’s body and the claws release. This lesson is important because cats are crazy, one second they are just loving being touched and the next they are trying to tear your hand apart.

Now I am not one to freely admit learning a lesson from a cat, unless that lesson involves outsmarting the cat, such as this one. But here is the lesson I learned

When someone you care about hurts you from what seems to be out of nowhere your initial reaction may be to pull back. Well actually, the initial reaction may be to scratch back, and the second to pull back, but neither will be very useful because that scratch may not have been as intentional as it seems. I am sure you can remember a time or two when you did something similar. I am also sure that when you did there was something else going on with you.

Sometimes when someone you love hurts you, even when you know their true desire is to love you, you are in a unique moment. A door has been opened, but you can only enter if you push forward rather then pull back. Unfortunately, this does not guarantee you will not get scratched a time or two, but the opportunity for joy and connection is there for the brave lover willing to run the gauntlet.

Faith in a Chair

My teacher once told me, faith is not so hard to understand.
Come let us reason together, faith is like sitting in this chair.
You place your faith in this chair every time you take a seat.
The faith that the chair is strong enough to hold you,
It is just the same for your faith in God.
Have faith, take a seat, and see.

But that is not what faith has been to me.

The real faith was placed in the teacher who had his hand on the back of the chair.
The same teacher that pulled the chair out from under me once my full weight was falling.
I looked up at the chair, as strong and trustworthy as ever, yet my back still ached.

The first lessons in faith are easy, like a child learning from play.
The real lessons in faith are as painful as they are unexpected.

Truth is, that chair never really failed me, and faith may be that simple after all.
The teacher, my own pride, convinced me I had it all put together.
I see now, the irony, that pride comes before a fall.

Pain is the most impartial of instructors,
And this was a lesson I was born to learn all along.
Appreciate all the simple faith you can find in this life,
Because if you do not, even the simple faith will be taken from you,
And you will not be able to find it on your own.
Have faith, take a seat, and see.